Skipping Work - What's your excuse?

I feel so guilty. I'm skipping work and I don't have a doctor's excuse. With good reason, because I'm not sick. My hubs put his back out while moving some equipment in the gym and needs a little TLC. From moi. After I called off I felt giddy and jumped up and down on the bed. But then I'd realized what I had done and the cloud of uncertainty showed up. Like, OMFG I am a slacker and a big fat liar and I wonder if they'll find out that there's nothing actually that wrong with him that he needs a nurse and I know they are going to give me a pink slip or something. They say stress is a killer? Guilt has got to be the runner-up, fer sure.

I hardly ever call off and he doesn't either, so I really shouldn't feel so bad about it. Right. Right? He keeps saying that we've not seen each other for more than a day, maybe once a week if we had a Sunday off, and it's been this way since the beginning of January. And it's looking like it'll continue this way through September, at the very earliest. We have conflicting work schedules now and it's been rough. I just miss his face, you know?

So, we figured we make the most of hiding out in the house where we can't be seen and reported. This is what we're planning:

We'll be eating this in bed.

And if we're not here:

A little bedcrumb never hurt anyone

You'll most definitely find us doing this:

No fighting over the clicker today

Did you ever play hooky for no good reason?  Please tell me you did. Or that you at least thought about it.  Did you feel especially guilty about it afterward? And does anyone have a better excuse that I could use for the next time I ever want a guiltfest? Other than a death in the family because in our town there are 2 degrees of separation and everyone would know that was a lie. 

In other news...

My internet bugged out for 36 hours a couple of days ago and I half-thought that the satellite company had gotten wind of my semi-snarky post and was screwing with me. You know...'oh she thinks it's bad when it snows? Let's see how she likes it when it's raining satellites, and they fall from the sky and she's got nada for real!' Only they just faked the satellite falling because how would I know any different. Anyway, the whole thing sucked out loud because there was nothing I could do...no water I poured or ladders I climbed would give me a green light. I cleaned and putzed around the house to get over withdrawals. It was actually not so bad.

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The most Fabulous Bitch aka White Sock Girl has posted a review on her blog and is giving away a musical vibrator. Yeah, she is. Well, I don't know if you'd actually consider it 'musical', but your ipod plugs into it and I hear that it pulsates to the beat of whatever you're listening to. So if you've only got acoustics in your playlist I think you're SOL on the beat thing.

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I had been putting in extra hours at work because the owners were wasting away in Margaritaville. But lucky me they brought us all back tshirts and $20. The $20 was a tip because I did such a fine job. LMAO. Like they were afraid that all the employees wouldn't show up while the cat was away. Or maybe we'd steal everything and sell it on eBay or better yet, burn the place down. I dunno, but I did think it was a sweet gesture.

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I am stoked. Super Bowl Sunday is the only day of the year that we host any type of annual party. Games, food and squares everywhere. Love it. I am only semi-prepared. I haven't shopped for the menu yet or picked up prizes, but I'm aware that it's in two days, so that's what makes me semi-prepared; the knowing. Put your money on the Colts people. It's a sure thing, no contest. The Saints are the 'aint's' and there's no changing that. I sincerely hope this trashtalk doesn't come back to bite me in the ass. Although, one time I got bit by a horse at summer camp and lemme tell you, it can't feel much worse than having a horse try to turn your ta-ta's into the singular ta. Yeah, it can't be worse.

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TOTALLY BREAKING NEWS....

My friends Lee & Paul at Coupledumb.com  invited me to guest post for them and yeah baby, today is the day! Wouldn't you please come visit me there and let me know your thoughts on my post? It's all about heroes this week on their blog and NO, that's not me...they're just talking about heroes in general. So, be sure to stop by and dish about yours! Thank you much...Love you all!

Please don't thump me with scripture

People can be so judgmental. They often beat other folks up because they don't agree with the choices they make concerning their personal lives, and often times they quote the bible as the reason behind their beliefs.

You know what I have to say to the people that hold up their bibles and furiously point (which happens to make a thumping sound, if you've not heard it) to the scriptures while screaming:

"The Bible tells me so!"

Sit down and please stick a sock in it. And don't yell at me and pray all over what you perceive to be my heathen ass because I don't agree with your interpretations.

Would you like to know a little something that I interpret?

In the beginning, God set an example:

God allowed Eve to choose. There were no electric fences or armed guards in the garden. Ultimately it was her decision to eat from the tree of knowledge. There were no groups or peers or congregations there to take that ability away from her. God allowed it.  Who are you or I, to not?

Oh, that was the downfall. She made the wrong choice. She ruined it for everyone. People shouldn't have a choice, they will mess.it.all.up.

Never mind that that was the mother of all speed-traps. Remember instead:

God allowed the freedom of choice, who are you or I, to not?

I am grateful to have choices. And I don't take that freedom for granted. In fact, I take every opportunity given to me and I run with it. I can work or stay home. I can rent or own. I can dress any which way I choose. I can marry or divorce. I can list all day long the choices afforded me. Yeah, I am a lucky bitch. I can do any of a million things and never have to hide who I am. Can you? Oh, you say you live here in America and of course you can, right? (It should also go without saying that if you are a prisoner, you've understandably lost some rights)

Well, as many of you know, either because you've been with my blog for awhile or by the screaming obviousness of my blog's name, I was raised in the LGBT community. And let me tell you: they've gotten the shaft.

LGBT are faced with inequality every. single. day. They've no option to choose marriage. And even though a handful of states recognize their marriages or civil unions, the federal government does not. They pay the required taxes all day long and yes siree Uncle Sam is more than happy to take their money, but when it comes to tax returns, there's no break. You and you and you enjoy that privilege every year. You check the little box: Married.

What if you didn't have that option any more, for whatever reason? That you would be taxed at a higher rate because the government didn't acknowledge your marriage anymore? Would you just lie down and take it? I think not. I know not.

The folks that say they shouldn't be permitted to choose marriage because

"The Bible tells me so!"

should remember where they live. In America, the grand land of opportunity. Please don't get all steamy & red-faced and look at me like I'm some idiot that just doesn't get it. Pointing.and.pointing. to scriptures that you want to embed in my non-Stepford mind. No. I won't get it.

"Well, it says right here and here that two men who lie down together are an abomination!"

Uh huh. Okay, maybe you should put on your secret squirrel cap and further read that it also says that if a woman takes her ass to the city, alone, for some shopping and gets raped by some asshole, that they will be put to death. They. Never mind that she had her double-coupons all clipped and it was the last day of the sale...just fry the bitch. I mean, can you imagine in this day and age requiring an escort to pick up milk? Hello? I know a lot of women whose mates have to be dragged kicking & screaming to Piggly Wiggly. And with the economy the way it is, who can afford a bodyguard? Yeah, that scripture went by the wayside a friggin' long time ago. Even the rapists themselves aren't getting stoned to death these days.

The inequality doesn't stop at marriage, that's just the tip of the iceberg. In the majority of states to this day people can be and are fired, or not hired, for being LGBT. That's no shit. And again in the majority of states, they can not adopt or foster a child in need. Yeah, I guess it's better to keep the kid in the system and rot away their childhood without family. (If it's not a 'focus on the family' type of family, that is) Tis true. They can not choose to bring a displaced child into their family. 

Times have changed, people. Please don't pick and choose who has the freedom and who doesn't, just accept that we are all equal under the law. 

You know, I sometimes hesitate to speak on behalf of my LGBT family. I'm not the epitome of success and therefore not the best reflection of what the community has to offer. Has offered. But I am proud and I was and am loved, despite any of my shortcomings or flaws. All of the choices I've made in my life brought me to this point today. Am I perfect? Of course not. I'm human like all of you are.  I chose my path. You've chosen yours. Why put up a road block in front of anyone else?

Just another hang-up

I read a post yesterday at CoupleDUMB.com (if you don't know them, you should see what you've been missing) concerning 'everyday crazies' and I totally didn't come clean about 1/2 of my neurosis. Neurosis, by the way, is no longer a mainstream psychology term as Lee & Paul pointed out. But alas, I am in denial and would like to think my personal crazy is neurotic.

After a certain go-around I had earlier today, I've decided to further disclose; I am admitting that I am a penny pinching psycho. Yep.

I will rubber spatula a jar to death for the very last-of-the-lastest smudge of peanut butter or mayo. I consider licking the beaters an appetizer (mashed potatoes) or a dessert (frosting-mmm). I guess you could say that I am a "use it up-wear it out" kind of gal.

Penny pinching, doggy-style

This here is the latest target of my very own penny pinching hang-up.

so NOT good to the last drop 

Hello...there's at least two or three hand washings left inside that bottle. I pumped it every which way but Sunday and all I got was pbblltt and flbbtt. I've unscrewed the top and tried to scoop it out with the stem...no dice. I've left it upside down...no drip. Yeah, I could refill it....and I do do that for most of the dispensers in my house, but this baby came with no refill and it's got the little scrubbing nuts in it and most importantly, it smells divine.

What's that you say? "Throw it out already Chris, because that's just plain stupid"? Yeah, you're probably right- (and wow, that voice sounded eerily like my DH. Spooky.)  Are 2 or 3 lousy more teaspoonfuls worth the hassle? Probably not...but it was a gift and I am appreciative like that. Besides, do you know how much Mary Kay shit costs? It's ridiculous.

I've decided I'm going to hang onto it until I can purchase this super-skinny spatula for $8 to get the rest out of the bottle.

Le Kate Mosspatula

God, I think I might have just crossed the neurotic border and ventured into insanity*.

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*Paying $8 to remedy a 50 cent problem=insanity in someone's book

(Penny-pinching, doggy-style photo courtesy of www.beercanhill.com)

The Signal in the Sticks Sucks Out Loud

We live out in BFE, a.k.a. the sticks, boondocks, no-sane-man's-land. I don't have an address. Just coordinates. DSL and cable will eventually snake it's way out here when hell freezes over or my eyes are sewn shut. Either way, I won't be around to see it.

But that's okay because we do have satellites. Glorious silver satellites of Dish & Internet. Picture a room full of alien phobes with tinfoil hats, and that's what our little hamlet looks like from up on the ridge. Yeah, you'll also see the occasional rebel flag and outhouse, but that's neither here nor there. I'm talking today about my sucky satellite signal.

I don't mind trying to work out my own problems, but when it comes to computers and anything technical, I need assistance. I called my satellite internet company because since we've been getting this crappy weather, the signal has been bugging out. Often. It was out recently for a few hours and I finally broke down and called the 1-800#. True Story.

Me: Hi, my internet isn't working.

Hnet: What is it doing?

Me: Nothing.

Hnet: Okay then, lets run a diagnostic check...............tick...tock. Now?

Me: Nada.

Hnet: Okay, what I want you to do now is unplug the modem and unscrew the cables from the back of it and touch them to the floor.

Me: Am I being punked? *looking around* Seriously? Yeah okay....nada

Hnet: Is there snow on the dish?

Me: Umm yes, it's winter in the North East.

Hnet: Ahhh, inclement weather does affect the signal.

Me: Wow, I wish I'd have known that before I signed a two-year contract at $80 a month.

Hnet: Mam, you need to get the snow off the dish.

Me: I did try. I threw snowballs at it, and they just stuck.

Hnet: No, no you musn't MOVE the dish. You need to pour a bucket of hot water over the dish.

Me: Sir, It's on the ROOF.

Hnet: Yes.

Me: Okaaay, how about I get a ladder and get real close and broom it off?

Hnet: As long as you don't move the dish- just lightly brush it.

Me: Thank you so much for the tip, I will try.

Hnet: If it doesn't work, call back and we will come and move the dish.

Me: Well I'm not planning to relocate to Florida anytime soon, so it will always be snowy anywhere you move the dish at my place , but thanks for the offer.
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So anyway, after a treacherous ladder and swiffer act, it works now. That was a pretty sight- yes sireee. I felt a little like a coke addict might feel when their stash is zilcho and they've got their nose to the floor sniffing for residue. I kept wondering what the Jones' would think of my desperate attempts to get a signal, if they were watching. Hey, it's my bag. I need CNN & blogs on the daily, is that too much to ask?

I talked to my son and told him my about my ordeal. You want to know what he said?

"Mom, why don't you just get a Super Soaker, fill it with hot water and spray it down."

Heh, Smart ass.

I guess that's just much too easy and left-brainish for me.  Where do you get super soakers in the middle of winter anyway?

Something for your toolbox: How Not to Get Florally Screwed

When I was a Corrections Officer I had an older Sgt. that would train/drill me about certain scenarios and quiz me about the proper responses. He used to give me extra tidbits, stuff that wasn't in a manual and then instruct me to 'keep that in your toolbox'. Which meant that it might be useful someday, so it would be a good idea not to forget it.

Ever since then, whenever I learn or hear of something that might be of use at a later date, I open up my red craftsman-like toolbox and shove it in. Yeah....I've got a visual of what it looks like. I've had it so long that even if I wanted to bedazzle it or something like that, I'd probably forget everything that was in it originally and then my brain would start looking like the garden shed out back. Wow. Anyway.

I started thinking after attending several showings this past month, for our dearly departed, that many people don't know they are getting screwed at the florist. 

Today's 'Keep that in your toolbox' topic:

How Not to Get Florally Screwed

Do not pay your Funeral Director for flowers - When you order casket sprays, foot sprays, easel sprays, etc. from your F.D. you are getting considerably less than if you order directly from the local florist. There's a very good chance they are including a 'handling fee'. That, coupled with the materials, flower mark-up, labor and delivery fees that the florist charges, results in very little- what I like to call 'flower power'.  It may seem easier to 'one-stop-shop' but why pay for something you are not getting?  If you can't make the call yourself, ask a family member to do it.    

If you send flowers out of town, don't call a 1-800 number - I know that Mother's Day is a good few months away, but that is the biggest holiday for wiring flowers. Millions of arrangements are sent to mom and grandma in honor of their big day and many of them are from out-of-the-area family members. It's tempting to just call a toll-free number and charge $75 or more to have flowers sent. Don't do it. You wanna talk about 'handling' fees?! At the very least that 'free' call is going to cost you $20 to place; for operator, material, labor & delivery fees. You are already charging it & placing the call, why not take the extra minute to search online for a florist in the recipient's area and handle your business yourself? Mom gets a bigger arrangement and/or you pay less for it. This tidbit applies to any holiday or occasion that you send flowers out of town.

Don't ask for Sunflowers in January or Tulips in November- If your heart is set on it, fine. They are available. But they're also seasonal and you will pay for it. Better yet, ask them what's in season and be choosy with colors if you want to personalize it. Some flowers like roses and mums are always in season. You'll pay roughly the same year around, except on big holidays like Valentine's and Mother's days. 

Give the florist creative control- Want a little oomph or something special? Without adding a cent? Say you want to send a $50 arrangement. Call your florist direct and place your order with no specific directions other than to say 'I trust your judgement and know it will be beautiful.' Oh, the pressure! They will go out of their way to use the prettiest and freshest flowers. I mean, you've already complimented them on their technique and they don't want to disappoint you, so they'll go the extra stem. Simple enough.

So there it is. Something for your toolbox. Whether or not it's useful today, it's something worth tucking away for future reference.

Note: No particular florist or national chain was harmed or injured during this segment. (They will all still get business and make a gazillion dollars) This is just my personal opinion and experience working in the industry. Take it for what it's worth. :)

The second best thing to a Colts win?

This.

OMFG, my stomach was killing me from laughing so hard. This is exactly how birthday parties go down at my house.

Of course an extra big smooch goes to Peyton.

I was never worried. Ever.

Uh huh, you rock.

I just want to say that I think it sucks out loud that they moved the Pro Bowl to next week. What gives? I want it the week after the Super Bowl and I want it in Hawaii. Hello?

So....this is how it feels to want. I get it.

While I'm at it, I also want a strawberry shake to celebrate the big win. Stat.

Yeah, so I guess I better get up off my ass and go make it. And that's how things get done around here. 

Just like in Indy.

This, that & the other thing

I haven't been posting regularly...as kindly pointed out by LilMsSnarky: Dude, seriously. I have to laugh because I've never been a regular at anything, really. But, I did have a pretty eventful week in this 2-light town and I'll just contribute that to this weeks' typelazy episode.

Small town U.S.A. is where I live: where everybody's business is done like nobody's business. We've got one post office, doctor, grocery store, school, bank, fire & police office. And 6 bars, 6 hair salons & 6 churches; in no particular order. Lots of congregating going on. Drunks with great hair kind of congregating.

We also have only one funeral home and this week we lost two locals on the same day. One was a classmate of my daughters and one was the father of a classmate of my hubs. So needless to say we were knee-deep in grief.

Grief for an 18 yr. old that had just begun his journey & grief for a Grandpa that had contributed to his small community in many ways throughout the years. Both were sad in different ways. With the elder townsperson, because of his age, it was a mix of celebration of life & loss. Lots of memories and tears because there won't be any more.

But with the kid, it's different.  I can not tell you how shitty it is to attend a young person's funeral and I guess I don't need to. We've attended several and it's most always identical.  The who, what, where, when & most importantly WHY?'s.  The first four you find out while in the waiting line at the funeral home. Who they were with, what they were doing, where did it happen & when. Well, to be truthful, you usually know all of this the day the person dies, from everyone at the post office, doctors office, bank, grocery store, etc., they're just still going over it in line. The one thing no one agrees on is the WHY.  There is no why, just speculation when it's accidental. Bottom line: It sucks out loud.

Since we live in a town with as many degrees of separation as there are lights, we attend a lot of funerals.  Today is the first day since Sunday that we've no concrete plans to attend one. Who the hell knows about tomorrow. Sometimes knowing everybody, and vice versa, seems like a curse. I think because I'm uber sensitive, death hangs on for me.  I wonder how I'd feel if it were my child or parent and I think, that quite possibly, the former would kill me. Yeah I'm certain some part of me, if not all, would cease, period.

So, that's where I've been this week; wrapped up in my own head with mixed emotions. Everyone will move forward eventually. It just takes time, you know?